The Same Songs I Play To Make Myself Fall Asleep

I recently realized a behavior that I have been having for like (I'm guessing) a year (I think it was around when the pandemic started). There were (and still are) a lot of nights where I lie in the dark for hours and still cannot fall asleep. To be able to, I have been queueing songs in my Spotify and setting sleep timer to an hour to hopefully fall asleep after the timer ends. Fortunately, I fall asleep before the 1 hour window is up.

The routine I found surprising, however, is the fact that I have been queueing the same 9 songs to fall asleep. For a year, I have been subconsciously putting the same 9 songs in the same order every single time. I only consciously noticed it a few days ago when I actually did realize it. Solid HAHAHAHA

I'm going to list the ten songs here and the reasoning as to why: (1) it was included in the list of my "sleep songs" and (2) why it was at that number. Take note, however, that I'm just working on assumptions as to why I subconsciously put them as such and why were they these songs. So basically, I'm trying to consciously explain what my subconscious did, which is stupid, but finals is over so I got nothing better to do. I'll be dividing the songs into three parts: Conscious, which would be the songs I think I want to listen to consciously; Limbo, which would be around the time I'm about to drift off; and Psyche, which is the part where I'm not consciously listening anymore.

Conscious

1. Cutting My Fingers Off - Turnover

It's no surprise that my personal best song in the world came first. Haha. It's not a song that's generally the first choice to fall asleep to but I think I have been too much accustomed to its "stream-of-consciousness"-esque lyrics and traces of shoegaze (debatable daw, it's dream pop, but oh well). While the drums is brazen and apparent within the song, the whole ambiance of the song (and the album) is "dreamy" to say the least. It seems to stem from different parts of a memory that is unearthed to a song.

I think my reasoning as to why this song comes first (apart from it being my most favorite song) is the fact that it is something that's dreamy, comfortable, and close to my heart. That feeling of familiarity comes close with sleep, and I couldn't be more familiar with this song.

2. Never Meant - American Football

I am disappointed in myself for not knowing this song way way before. I am a great emo fan (yeah, I'm dramatic like that HAHAHA) and American Football is one of the pioneers when it comes to the Midwest Emo scene in America. In particular, they utilized what is known as "math rock", where the use of complex time signatures and unconventional arrangements were experimented on. Never Meant exemplified this, as the guitar, drumming, and arrangement of the song seem "off" at start. It doesn't seem "correct". However, listening to the song a bit more, I have come to appreciate its difference with other music I consume. Since it is unconventional in arrangement, you notice something different with it any time and I would want to experience the luxury of these small realizations in the time I'm most comfortable and free, which would be before I sleep. The irregularity, I think, makes me feel detached with the mundane day I have and the lyrics just hits close to home (even if I haven't been in a relationship).

3. Self Control - Frank Ocean

Sadboi na kung sadboi, but you have to admit that Frank Ocean does hit hard. I'm not saying that I have to be hurt to fall asleep, but I think Self Control provides me that feeling that "I need to sleep". Maybe it's because it evokes feelings that would make me want to sleep to forget or the vibe of the song is perfect for me to relax in, but either way, I can't seem to think of an even deeper reason as to why I play this song other than the fact that it allows me to sleep. Don't take it in a bad way Frank HAHAHAHA

4. Jesus, Etc. - Wilco

It's not a Gospel song but it evokes some kind of humanity in me. I think this song is the "at the end of the day, be kind" song reminder for me. It feels as though it reassures me that being kind has its merits. Musicality-wise, it feels as if I'm getting gently serenaded by angels listening to it. I recently noticed that every verse of this song introduced a new instrument every time and little did I know how greatly it affected the song's quality. I think that I play it at this point because I still want the message of the song to course through me consciously because I have this gut feel that it tells me something good.

This song, in my opinion, is my "foundation" to sleep. The last three songs touches more on my personal feelings and tastes but this song is more on an external reassurance of calmness and serenity. Is it God speaking to me? Another being greater than I am? Wilco themselves? I don't know, but they sure are reassuring.

Limbo

5. Someone To Stay - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

This song might be the perfect song to sleep to when you do not feel great at all. The feel and the lyrics of the song speaks so much about yearning for something that is not yet there at the moment. While we all achieve something at any and all points in our lives, that constant longing for a constant is a constant and consistent thing we always want to possess.

My theory as to why I play this song much later is because I feel that I need to hear it, but I don't want to consciously and actively listen to it. Not that I do not want to feel down, but it speaks more of my subconscious desire for some stability in my life which my conscious self would never admit of wanting. It is reserved for myself that is never apparent but always present and needs to be heard.

Psyche

6. Moon Song - Phoebe Bridgers

7. Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers is the woman I turn to when I want to switch on something within my core memory that no one could ever switch on. The amount of internalization to create such songs is nothing short of amazing, and I'm just lucky enough to soak it all in. Since these song are so far up my queue, I would've fallen asleep at this time, but I personally know that these songs are important to me as what I consciously value them out to be.

Both Stranger In the Alps and Punisher talks extensively about Bridgers' experiences dealing with heartbreaks, emotional abuse, death, and trauma. It would seem as if these songs were repressed feelings from before that was let out to something creative, which is where I find comfort in. I feel like I need to hear it not only because of my own repressed feelings that I may consciously or subconsciously have, but it's a gesture to show that I resonate with it, which I think is very, very important.

8. Death with Dignity - Sufjan Stevens

Stevens talks about her mother and her death and how he mulls over it. However, it would seem as if he was not focused on the death but rather on his relationship with his mother, who seems adrift. Stevens writes poetically on this point that the meaning exceeds far as the written lyrics go.

When I first listened to this track, I immediately thought of my loved ones and what would I feel if they were gone. I do not want to listen to this consciously because I know it might bring immense pain thinking about it, but I do recognize the fact that it is a reality I have to face in the future so I have to at least "subconsciously" think about it.

9. Leaves - Ben&Ben

Everything should end with an "All will be alright in time". I know I wouldn't believe it if I heard consciously that all will be alright in time, but maybe deep down I know that I should think about it that way and maybe I'll be able to act the best way as I could, no matter how shit everything is right now. As Max Ehrmann wrote, "With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

The songs I wanted to hear were a mix of stability, encouragement, fear, repression, and hope. It feels as if I'm calling on familiarity to make myself safe, telling myself I'm vulnerable, breaking myself apart to my repressions and doubts, then coming to hope once again. I don't know if it was some sort of cosmic miracle or my own doing that sleep became this meaningful for me but it shows how music becomes a guide for me to deconstruct and reconstruct myself in a span of an hour and wake up as a new person. Never perfect, but alive nonetheless.

I should go to sleep.

081521 5:40 AM Pampanga