7:30 PM, Gesú

I wrote this because I believe that I could do something right.

I am one of the most loud and talkative people you’ll ever encounter in your entire life. I do not deny that. But in reality, I seek for the moments that are quiet and where I do not talk. These are the moments where I reflect on life.

If I do not have any obligations and classes that I have to attend to, I stop what it is that I am doing and I start walking. Sometimes I come from the dorm, or maybe sometimes in Matteo. Wherever that is, by the time 7:00 strikes in, I stop everything and I wear my earphones. Usually, I am really walking at a fast pace. But when it’s 7pm, you’d think I am in a procession because I take my time to walk.

As soon as I wear my earphones, I play a gentle tune. It really doesn’t matter to me what I play first, because for me, what’s important is the end. Because at that time, you’d understand why is it that you played that first tune. After around 10-15 minutes, I’ll reach Gesú. As soon as I get up to the church, I stop playing the music I’m currently playing.

I’m not really a fervent, religious person, but there’s really a different feeling for me going in the church. The solitude that it offers is enough for me and the rest is noise. It gives me a sense of assurance and security.

I always sit at the back, even on Sunday masses. After I take my seat, I play Panalangin Sa Pagiging Bukas Palad by Fr. Arnel Aquino, SJ. After this, I utter in my mind a small prayer. This is not verbatim as to what I always pray, but this is the thought of it:

“I hope they’re all doing well. Whether I am with them or not, or if they are going through something or not, bless them nonetheless. Because a part of my life won’t be complete if theirs won’t be.”

This is the only thing I pray inside Gesú. Truth be told, I can’t even assure that someone’s listening to me. But I can't say for myself that I take care of everyone I’ve crossed paths with. This is why I just hope that someone out there listens and would help things become better for them. For me, it’s not a question on whether it’s real or not. If the feelings are real, then by one way or another, it will come through. Not to brag, but when I pray inside the church, I don’t pray for myself. I also do not know why, but I never offer the prayers I do inside Gesú for myself.

After the song, I immediately stand and go out of the church. I sit at the stone benches in front of the statue of Jesus. In there, while contemplating, I play Pilgrim’s Theme. In that moment, I reflect on the things that have been happening to me lately. In the bustle of life, it’s hard to hear the voice inside you dictating where you really need to go. For me, I dedicate those moments for my next move forward.

By the time the song says, “I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within”, I stand up. I really don’t have a set location on where I’m really going after that. Maybe towards high school, going to JSEC, or going to Gate 3. I just let my feet drag me wherever it wishes.

While walking, I play songs that resonates with me. Songs like You by Carpenters, Panalangin and When I Met You by APO Hiking Society, or I’d Really Love To See You Tonight by England Dan & John Ford Coley remind me of the fondest memory I had during childhood -- the melody of old music playing in our small stereo during Sunday afternoons. Sometimes, I play songs that inspire me to write, like Kumapit by 12-Kibe, Waltz of Four Left Feet of Shirebound and Busking, Tagay by Alex Corner, Sansinukob by Milo Heraldo, among others. Sometimes, I just really want to evoke a feeling, so I play songs like Georgia by Vance Joy, Flicker by Niall Horan, and Eyes Nose Lips and Wedding Dress by Taeyang.

When I decide that I’m finished, I play Leaves by Ben&Ben last. With a few steps towards the dormitory, I say to myself, as if muttering a prayer, the words “All will be alright in time”. This is an all-too important part of it. I could at least say to myself that things will get better, even if events show otherwise.

In those moments, I do not look at that time. Even if I have so much stuff on my plate, I do not give up those precious moments. Those moments, no matter how short or long they were, are now part of my life. Those moments actually made me go through day by day. It’s therapeutic, yes, in a way, but it’s actually something that saved me countless times. At the very least, I had a safe haven, my repose in the ongoing war. These are the moments I sever myself with the world and try to reconstruct myself, piece by piece. Even if I go out of Ateneo unsure if everything’s going to be alright as I walk home, I have with me the small moments of reflection and faith that the people I’ve interacted with are leading better lives, the own roads that I’m taking are actually leading somewhere, and, most of all, all will be alright in due time.

11/01/19

(Fil)

Sinulat ko ‘to dahil naniniwala pa a

kong mayroon pa ‘kong nagagawang tama.

Isa ako sa pinaka madaldal na tao na makikilala mo sa buong buhay mo. ‘Di ko tinatanggi ‘yon. Pero sa totoo lang, hinahanap ‘ko ‘yung mga pagkakataon na tahimik, na ‘di ako nagsasalita, na nakakapagnilay ako sa buhay.

Kapag walang pangyayari sa org, o wala akong klase sa oras na ‘to, tinitigil ko lahat ng ginagawa ‘ko para maglakad. Minsan galing sa dorm, o minsan galing sa Matteo. Kahit saan pa man yan, pagdating ng alas-siete, ititigil ‘ko lahat tapos isusuot ko ‘yung earphones ko. Kadalasan, mabilis ako maglakad. Pero pagdating ng alas-siete, akala mo nasa prusisyon ako kasi mas mabagal akong maglakad.

Pagsuot ng earphones, sabay patugtog ng malumanay na kanta. Hindi na mahalaga sakin noon kung ano ‘yung pinapatugtog sa una, kasi para sa akin, mahalaga ‘yung dulo. Kasi sa puntong ‘yon, maiintindihan mo kung bakit iyon ‘yung tinugtog mo noong una. Pagkatapos ng sampu hanggang labinlimang minuto, makakarating na ko sa Gesú. ‘Pag akyat ko, ititigil ko ‘yung kanta na pinapakinggan ko, kahit ano pa ‘yan.

Hindi ako ganoon ka-relihiyoso talaga, pero iba ang pakiramdam kapag pumapasok ako ng Gesú. ‘Yung ingay ng daan, ingay ng mga pangyayari, nawawala lahat. Tahimik. May panatag ng loob na binibigay.

Palagi akong umuupo sa pinakalikod, kahit pa kapag nagsisimba ako tuwing linggo. Pagkatapos ‘kong umupo, ipapatugtog ‘ko ‘yung Panalangin Sa Pagiging Bukas Palad ni Fr. Aquino, SJ. Pagkatapos nito, sasambitin ‘ko na sa aking utak ang aking munting dasal. Hindi ito impunto sa aking palaging sinasabi, pero narito ang diwa niya:

“Sana maayos silang lahat. Nakakasama ‘ko man sila o hindi, mayroon man silang pinagdaraanan o wala, pagpalain niyo po sila. Dahil hindi rin makukumpleto itong bahagi ng buhay ‘ko kung hindi kumpleto ang kanila.”

Ito lang ‘yung palagi ‘kong dinadasal sa loob ng Gesú. Sa totoo lang, hindi ‘ko rin naman alam kung mayroong nakikinig sa akin. Pero hindi ‘ko rin masabi sa sarili ‘ko na naaalagaan ko ang mga taong nakadaupang-palad ko sa buhay. Kaya nagbabaka sakali na lamang ako na mayroon makikinig diyan na sana, matulungan sila na maging maayos. Hindi na siguro mahalaga kung totoo o hindi. Kung totoo ang nararamdaman, totoong may paroroonan.

Hindi sa pagmamayabang, pero kapag nasa loob ako ng Gesú, hindi ‘ko pinagdarasal sarili ‘ko. Hindi ‘ko rin alam kung bakit, pero hindi ‘ko inaalay ang mga punta ‘ko sa loob ng simbahan para sa sarili ‘ko. Hindi ‘ko rin alam. Sa labas ‘ko siya ginagawa.

Pagkatapos ng kanta, tatayo na ‘ko agad tapos lalabas ng simbahan. Uupo ako sa batong upuan, sa tapat ng malaking rebulto. Doon, habang nakatingin, pinapatugtog ‘ko ‘yung Pilgrim’s Theme. Doon sa panahong iyon, pinagninilayan ko ‘yung mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari sa paligid. Sa dami ng ginagawa pati mga kaganapan, ang hirap nang marinig ‘yung boses na nagdidikta sa kaloob-looban mo kung saan ba dapat pupunta. Para sa akin, inilalaan ko nalang sa mga iilang minuto na iyon ‘yung daan ‘ko pasulong.

Pagdating sa bahagi ng kanta na sinasabing, “I think I’ll follow the voice that calls within”, tatayo na ‘ko. Hindi ‘ko alam saan ako pupunta pagkatapos noon, pwedeng papuntang high school, papuntang JSEC, o diretso na sa Gate 3 pabalik sa dorm. Hinahayaan ‘ko lamang dalhin ako ng paa ‘ko sa kung saan ako mapupunta.

Habang naglalakad, nagpapatugtog ako ng mga kantang malapit sa akin. Mga kantang tulad ng You ng Carpenters, Panalangin pati When I Met You ng APO Hiking Society, o I’d Really Love To See You Tonight nila England Dan & John Ford Coley. Ito ‘yung mga kantang nagpapaalala ng mga masasayang alaala noong pagkabata -- ang pagpapatugtog ng mga lumang kanta sa radyo tuwing linggo ng hapon. Minsan nama’y nagpapatugtog ako upang bigyan ako ng inspirasyon na magsulat. Mga kantang tulad ng Kumapit na gawa ng 12-Kibe, Waltz of Four Left Feet ni Shirebound and Busking, Tagay ni Alex Corner, at Sansinukob ni Milo Heraldo. Minsan, nais ‘ko lamang talaga na makaramdam, kaya’t tinutugtog ‘ko ang mga kanta gaya ng Georgia ni Vance Joy, Flicker ni Niall Horan, at Eyes Nose Lips at Wedding Dress ni Taeyang.

Kapag desidido na ‘ko na tapos na ako, huli ‘ko na ipapatugtog ang Leaves ng Ben&Ben. Sabay ng ilang hakbang pauwi ng dormitoryo, sinasambit ‘ko sa aking sarili, na para bang nagsasabi ng dasal, ang mga salitang “All will be alright in time”. Mahalaga itong bahagi para sa akin. Kahit man lamang masabi ‘ko na magiging maayos rin ang lahat, kahit hindi talaga iyon ang mga nangyayari.

Sa paglalakad na iyon, hindi ‘ko tinitingnan ang oras. Kahit pa napakaraming gawain, hindi ‘ko sinusuko ang oras na iyon. Para sa akin, ang mga panahon na iyon, gaano man kaikli o kahaba, ay nagsisilbing bahagi na ng buhay ‘ko. Masasabi ‘ko na iniligtas ako nito ng napakaraming beses. Nagakaroon ako ng pupuntahan, na naging aking kanlungan sa umiigting na gimaan. Ito ang mga oras na pinuputol ko ang aking pagkabigkis sa mundo upang ipagsama-sama ang tagpi-tagping pagkatao ‘ko. Kahit pa lumalabas ako ng Ateneo na hindi pa sigurado kung maayos na ba ang lahat sa pagbabalik ‘ko, baon ‘ko ang maikling mga sandali ng pagninilay at pagtitiwala na maayos ang kalagayan ng lahat ng taong nakasama ‘ko, mayroong pinaroroonan ang daan na aking tinatahak, at, higit sa lahat, magiging mabuti ang lahat sa takdang panahon.

11/01/19